Bollywood jokes 7

“              Top ten reasons why the movie "Bombay" should be banned in Bombay

Top ten reasons why the movie "Bombay" should be banned in Bombay:

10. The Hero and Heroine fall in love without first having a fight

9.  The Hero doesn't sing "mere pyaari behana" to his sister, neither

    does she get raped nor does she get married off to some goon who ill

    treats her.

8.  The Hero actually asks the Heroine to elope with him instead of

    confronting her father and finally winning him over.

7.  The Hero's bachelor friends at work do not get to come home and enjoy a

    meal cooked by the newly wed bride, with one of them ogling at her

    with evil intentions.

6.  Since the Hero and Heroine get married very early in the movie, they

    should have known that something was going to go wrong and should have

    taken due care.

5.  The movie is called "Bombay" but we don't get to see even one overflowing

    electric train. (It is like Ice station Zebra with no Zebras around)

4.  Hero/Heroine do not have enough friends or relatives for a final group

    shot.

3.  The Hero's children are ignorant about religion because the director

    forgets to include a scene where the Hero or Hero's father has a table

    with a Bible, a Koran and a Bhagwad Gita.

2.  The Heroine forgets to teach her children the family re-unification song,

    when seperated we see the kids helpless not knowing what to do unlike

    their more well bred counterparts from other films.

and

1.  "Rabert! Agar aam janta, marra marri karne lage, tho humme kaise

phillummo me chance millega"

“              Mallu Trivia

What do you call the birth of a mallu?

Mal(l)-formation

What is the malayalam version of "Maine Pyar Kiya " called?

"Menon Pyar Kiya"

“             

Bollywood Jokes 6

“              KBC Auditions

Since Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun Banega Crorepati is going to expire soon, here are a few persons who could audition for the show.

Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Shatrughan Sinha: Khamosh! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Dharmendra: Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

Amrish Puri: Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua !

Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?

Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.

Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.

Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.

Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

“              Keshto and the Cop

Kesto Mukherjee had a little too much to drink one day. He was driving home from the bar one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently all over the road. A hawaldar pulls him over and asked, "kahan se aa rahe ho?"

"Iiiizzzzze! daru khane se! izzzeezzzeh!" slurs Kesto.

"Lagta hai ke aapne bahot pee rakhi hai"

"Hehheha. Lekin mai thik hu!" Kesto says in his usual style.

"Lekin aapko pata hai," says the hawaldar, "kuchh der pahle pahle aapki biwi car se gir gayi?

"Iiizzzzzezzzeeh! Tab to sab thik hai" sighs Kesto, "thodi der ke liye to apne ko laga...izzzezze...ke apun behra ho gaya hun....hehhehe".

“              Keshto's Fever

Keshto Mukherjee's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked what had happened. She said 'Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!'

“              Rules for Bollywood

1) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

2) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

3) Nothing is too tight for Madhuri.

4) The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.

5) Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

6) Village girls who live among cows and sheep have perfect skin and teeth.

7) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the chick.

8) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero with machine guns, yet they will always miss. Every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will knock down at least ten opponents in a line.

9) If you decide to start dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.

10) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

11) You can always find a trimurti when you need one. (as in Anjaam)

12) If faced with certain death, do not panic. Merely chant, Ganpati Baba, and after a few short bolts of lightning, all will be well.

13) A heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one song, however short.

“              : Tihar Jail

Tihar Jail ordered 999 shirts and 1000 pants for its inmates.

Wondering why this odd combination   ?

!!!!!!!

!!!!

!!!!

Salman khan is    coming ......

“              Titanic in Bollywood

     Have you ever wondered what would be in "Titanic" if the same was made

     in Bollywood?

     The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay". Well here it goes!

     * Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as JJJJJ JJJ

     Jack.Madhuri's fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man"

     everytime he sees Shahrukh.

     * Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain

     and would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would

     not

     die.

     * Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from

     college plus 50 extras who are well trained with every dance sequence in

     the world.

     * The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of

     editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in CD album.

     * The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in

     movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta.

     The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of

     excessive on-board population.

     * The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced

     with

     a song in the Swiss Alps.

     * Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during

     chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will

     also get a song or two.

     * Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our

     case,Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving along a

     creek and the water stinks!

     * How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting

     Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors

     yaar!).

        This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in a

     art

     gallery.

     * Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the

     ship.Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how

     Gulshan troubled them. Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon

     peejaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.

     * There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Annu

     Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.

     * Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo"

     would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.And the

     masterpiece would be waste of time...ooops waste of money without...

     * "Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda

     dekhnachahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha ke

     liye bahoootdoor le le."

Next

Bollywood Jokes 5

“              Indian Film Stars and their Answering Machines

Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun,

police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle

ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush

admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya

tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh

diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c

mein msg de dena.

Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to

message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.

AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai,

jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge,

robert helicopter chalu karo !!

Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod

dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi

record karna !

Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda

nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga

Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message

chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa

Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve

patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !

Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka

karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.

Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh

tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....

Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum

pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega

Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke

msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he

Pre'm Chopra

KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa!

Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye

ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..

Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE!

Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !

Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg

rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein

rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA

BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate

hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !!  Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.

Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan

....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsad

malapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa.  Aur mere kane

Chaku hai?

Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me

koi ladki hai kyaaa !

Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message

rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya

Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam

pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS

Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re

kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg

chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ...  Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki

doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi to

gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."

Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere

liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru

ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai

nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......

Next

Bollywood Jokes 4

“              Bollywood Remixes

ORIGINAL:

Tumse milne ki tamanna hai............pyar ka eerada hai............

aur ek vaada hai............J..a....a..n..a...m........

REMIX:

Tumko marne ki tamanna hai......dushmani ka eerada hai..........

aur ek vaada hai..............Z.....a...a...l...i...m.........

ORIGINAL:

Tum paas ayae............. yun muskuraye................

tum ne na jaane kya......... sapne dikhaye............

ab to mera dil jaage na soota hai.............kya karun hai......

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai................

REMIX:

Machar paas ayae............yun bhin bhinayae..............

machar ne na jaane kyon .........sapne churaye............

ab to raat bhar so nahin paata hun............kya karun hai....

Machar Bhin Bhinate Hain...........

ORIGINAL:

Bazigar O.... bazigar.......tu hai bada Jaadugar.............

mera dil tha akela ............tune khel aisa khela .............

tere yaad mein jaagu raat bhar.....r..r..r..r.......

REMIX:

Bazigar O.... bazigar.......tu hai bada Dhokebar.............

tune dil mera tooda ............maine Fevicol se jooda .............

tere yaad mein mare Machaar.....r..r..r..r.......

ORIGINAL:

Jab bhi koi ladki dekhon........mera dil dewana bole

ole......ole ole......ole...ole...ole.........

gaon tarana yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............

Ole.....Ole .....Ole...................Ole....Ole.....Ole........

REMIX:

Jab bhi koi Party deekhon........mera bhooka paet bole

chole......chole...chole......chole...chole...chole.........

khao bhar paet yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............

chOle.....chOle .....chOle...................chOle....chOle.....chOle........

“              Common Bollywood Lines

How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?...with some shady inputs

 The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon." abi saala school ka admission ka jhanjhat, chaddi diaper etc

 The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in Hindi films :" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...." The idiot may not have heard of credit cards.

 A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say : "Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....." To itna din kya hila raha tha

 Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein." lekin aap ka woh nahi

 Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti " tho maar jaa saaali

 Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai" followed cheers cheers

 Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai" again cheers cheers

 Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga." Geeta is the shahi kaamwali

 Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey" saala mera promotion

 Raam Raam kaaka" * " Jug Jug jiyo beta "

 Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe " no wonder Tezaab was a hit

 Typical farmer ka dialogue : " mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai " kya karegaa barsaat hui nahi na

 Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : " Main kahan hoon?" Grant Road mein

 Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein" chalo Zohrabai ke ghar

 A Prem-Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle : " In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai" Hindi wala ya Sanskrit wala?

 Maine tumhe kya samjha, Aur tum kya nikley!" .....there are cyborgs, aliens, etc.

 Doctor : " Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aiya to ..... " kal school/college bandh..desh mein hartal

“              : Deaths at 11 AM

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner !!

“              : Gandhi - Bollywood Style

After the grand failure of epic film 'Gandhi' at the box office, Richard Attenborough appointed a committee of renowned and successful Bollywood.

It was decided that name of the film 'Gandhi' was not colourful. Following names were suggested:

 Lathi Bani JWAALA

 Charkha Gaye Geet Sunaye

 Adventures of Kasturba & Mohan in South Africa

 Khaadi Rang Layegi

 GANDHI ki AANDHI

 Deshpremi

 Khaana Chhod Dunga

 UJDA Chaman

 Saabarmati ka Dulaara

 Aatma aur Mahaatma

 Mahatma No. I

 Charkhe ki Awaaz

 Goray ki **** Pe Laathi Mar

 Laathi se Ajaadi Tak

 Gandhi No. I

 Mission Gandhi

 Mei Mohan tu Kastur

 Mere Mohan Pyare

 Fatichaar

 Kadkaram Mohanlal

 Mei Khiladi, Aur Mohan Anaadi

 1947, A love story

 Meri Kasturba, mera Pyar

 Pattgayi Kastur

It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that Bollywood fizz'. Following dialogues were suggested:

1.(Situation : First scene of the movie where Godse fires bullets into Gandhi's chest)

Nathuram : Isi din ka mujhe bachpan se intazaar tha, kamine, ab bachke kahan jayega?

Gandhi: Ye lo - tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun. himmat hai to chala goli. Are, aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo gandhi ka seena paarKare.

Nathuram fires...Gandhi dies on the spot.

Nathuram: Maa, maine tumhe diya hua vachan nibhaya hai. Ab tumhari aatma ko shanti milegi.

2.(Situation : Gandhi is being thrown out of train in South Africa)

Gandhi: Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan? Suna tha bhagwan ke ghar der hai, andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan... (His baggage gets thrown out of the train behind him. His mother's photo is smashed to pieces. Gandhi looks at the photo, slowly his eyes turn red...his voice quivers...) Yaad rakhna kutton, ek din isi gaon me aakar subko dekh lunga, chun chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....

3.(Situation : Kasturba is on her death bed, Gandhi is sitting beside her)

Kasturba: Ek vachan do mujhe, tum doosri shadi karoge.

Gandhi: Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga main?

Kasturba: Mujhe kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo mujhse. Tabhi chainse marungi main.

Gandhi (tries to smile): Are pagli, is umar me bhala mujhse shadi kaunkarega?

Kasturba (laughs naughtily): Bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal hota to us Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote tum...

Gandhi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a dangerous turn...): Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana kiya hai...

4. (Situation : Gandhi declares his umpteenth indefinite fast)

Kasturba: Aji sunte ho? Khana taiyaar hai...

Gandhi: Maine kaha naa ! Nahi khana hai mujhe khana..

Kasturba: Dekhoji ! Khane ne tumhara kya bigada hai? Do rotiyan kha lo aur phir jaha, jana hai chale jao. Main rokungi nahi. Aur dekho aaj maine tumhare liye gaajar ka halwa banaaya hai...

Gandhi (looks tempted): Achha tum kahti ho to kha leta hun.

The committee suggested that a songless and danceless movie will never sell.

Following dance sequences were suggested:

1. A cabaret number by Huma Khan. This should be shown in order to depict the lavish lifestyle of the British

2. A Choli dance sequence (preferably by Madhuri Dixit or Urmila).The situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati Ashram).

3. A dream sequence of Gandhi & Meeraben is desperately needed. The lyrics could be "Main meera tu Mohan..." or " Tu mera,tu mera, tu mera Satyavadi no 1."

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