Bollywood Jokes 4

“              Bollywood Remixes

ORIGINAL:

Tumse milne ki tamanna hai............pyar ka eerada hai............

aur ek vaada hai............J..a....a..n..a...m........

REMIX:

Tumko marne ki tamanna hai......dushmani ka eerada hai..........

aur ek vaada hai..............Z.....a...a...l...i...m.........

ORIGINAL:

Tum paas ayae............. yun muskuraye................

tum ne na jaane kya......... sapne dikhaye............

ab to mera dil jaage na soota hai.............kya karun hai......

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai................

REMIX:

Machar paas ayae............yun bhin bhinayae..............

machar ne na jaane kyon .........sapne churaye............

ab to raat bhar so nahin paata hun............kya karun hai....

Machar Bhin Bhinate Hain...........

ORIGINAL:

Bazigar O.... bazigar.......tu hai bada Jaadugar.............

mera dil tha akela ............tune khel aisa khela .............

tere yaad mein jaagu raat bhar.....r..r..r..r.......

REMIX:

Bazigar O.... bazigar.......tu hai bada Dhokebar.............

tune dil mera tooda ............maine Fevicol se jooda .............

tere yaad mein mare Machaar.....r..r..r..r.......

ORIGINAL:

Jab bhi koi ladki dekhon........mera dil dewana bole

ole......ole ole......ole...ole...ole.........

gaon tarana yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............

Ole.....Ole .....Ole...................Ole....Ole.....Ole........

REMIX:

Jab bhi koi Party deekhon........mera bhooka paet bole

chole......chole...chole......chole...chole...chole.........

khao bhar paet yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............

chOle.....chOle .....chOle...................chOle....chOle.....chOle........

“              Common Bollywood Lines

How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?...with some shady inputs

 The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon." abi saala school ka admission ka jhanjhat, chaddi diaper etc

 The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in Hindi films :" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...." The idiot may not have heard of credit cards.

 A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say : "Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....." To itna din kya hila raha tha

 Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein." lekin aap ka woh nahi

 Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti " tho maar jaa saaali

 Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai" followed cheers cheers

 Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai" again cheers cheers

 Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga." Geeta is the shahi kaamwali

 Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey" saala mera promotion

 Raam Raam kaaka" * " Jug Jug jiyo beta "

 Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe " no wonder Tezaab was a hit

 Typical farmer ka dialogue : " mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai " kya karegaa barsaat hui nahi na

 Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : " Main kahan hoon?" Grant Road mein

 Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein" chalo Zohrabai ke ghar

 A Prem-Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle : " In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai" Hindi wala ya Sanskrit wala?

 Maine tumhe kya samjha, Aur tum kya nikley!" .....there are cyborgs, aliens, etc.

 Doctor : " Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aiya to ..... " kal school/college bandh..desh mein hartal

“              : Deaths at 11 AM

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner !!

“              : Gandhi - Bollywood Style

After the grand failure of epic film 'Gandhi' at the box office, Richard Attenborough appointed a committee of renowned and successful Bollywood.

It was decided that name of the film 'Gandhi' was not colourful. Following names were suggested:

 Lathi Bani JWAALA

 Charkha Gaye Geet Sunaye

 Adventures of Kasturba & Mohan in South Africa

 Khaadi Rang Layegi

 GANDHI ki AANDHI

 Deshpremi

 Khaana Chhod Dunga

 UJDA Chaman

 Saabarmati ka Dulaara

 Aatma aur Mahaatma

 Mahatma No. I

 Charkhe ki Awaaz

 Goray ki **** Pe Laathi Mar

 Laathi se Ajaadi Tak

 Gandhi No. I

 Mission Gandhi

 Mei Mohan tu Kastur

 Mere Mohan Pyare

 Fatichaar

 Kadkaram Mohanlal

 Mei Khiladi, Aur Mohan Anaadi

 1947, A love story

 Meri Kasturba, mera Pyar

 Pattgayi Kastur

It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that Bollywood fizz'. Following dialogues were suggested:

1.(Situation : First scene of the movie where Godse fires bullets into Gandhi's chest)

Nathuram : Isi din ka mujhe bachpan se intazaar tha, kamine, ab bachke kahan jayega?

Gandhi: Ye lo - tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun. himmat hai to chala goli. Are, aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo gandhi ka seena paarKare.

Nathuram fires...Gandhi dies on the spot.

Nathuram: Maa, maine tumhe diya hua vachan nibhaya hai. Ab tumhari aatma ko shanti milegi.

2.(Situation : Gandhi is being thrown out of train in South Africa)

Gandhi: Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan? Suna tha bhagwan ke ghar der hai, andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan... (His baggage gets thrown out of the train behind him. His mother's photo is smashed to pieces. Gandhi looks at the photo, slowly his eyes turn red...his voice quivers...) Yaad rakhna kutton, ek din isi gaon me aakar subko dekh lunga, chun chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....

3.(Situation : Kasturba is on her death bed, Gandhi is sitting beside her)

Kasturba: Ek vachan do mujhe, tum doosri shadi karoge.

Gandhi: Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga main?

Kasturba: Mujhe kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo mujhse. Tabhi chainse marungi main.

Gandhi (tries to smile): Are pagli, is umar me bhala mujhse shadi kaunkarega?

Kasturba (laughs naughtily): Bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal hota to us Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote tum...

Gandhi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a dangerous turn...): Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana kiya hai...

4. (Situation : Gandhi declares his umpteenth indefinite fast)

Kasturba: Aji sunte ho? Khana taiyaar hai...

Gandhi: Maine kaha naa ! Nahi khana hai mujhe khana..

Kasturba: Dekhoji ! Khane ne tumhara kya bigada hai? Do rotiyan kha lo aur phir jaha, jana hai chale jao. Main rokungi nahi. Aur dekho aaj maine tumhare liye gaajar ka halwa banaaya hai...

Gandhi (looks tempted): Achha tum kahti ho to kha leta hun.

The committee suggested that a songless and danceless movie will never sell.

Following dance sequences were suggested:

1. A cabaret number by Huma Khan. This should be shown in order to depict the lavish lifestyle of the British

2. A Choli dance sequence (preferably by Madhuri Dixit or Urmila).The situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati Ashram).

3. A dream sequence of Gandhi & Meeraben is desperately needed. The lyrics could be "Main meera tu Mohan..." or " Tu mera,tu mera, tu mera Satyavadi no 1."

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